My dad is the classic Filipino rags to riches story. He was born out of a family of farmers in the small province of Bohol, Philippines. My dad did not have books to use for school, he only had one (1) pair of slippers and uniform for four (4) years in High School. He would only take one (1) notebook, a pen and borrow notes from his classmates after school. He almost did not enrol in college because they could not afford it. He almost did not take the Engineering board exams because they did not have the budget for it. Despite every reason not to succeed, my dad found a way to change the path life had already pre-decided for him.
When my dad was young he told himself he did not want to be in the same position where everything felt too far to reach. Without the influences that would prompt him to aim high, my dad took it upon himself to be better. He wanted a better life for himself and his future family.
So my dad worked his way into High School and College, at one point he took a small pig, raised it and sold it to pay for tuition. On some days, they could barely eat, he would settle for left overs at his aunt’s cafeteria. When it was time to take the Engineering Board Exams, his father had told him they had no money to pay for it. Out of desperation he betted on a small scale lottery and as luck would have it he won a small amount that he used for his Engineering board exams. Out of all the odds, he passed.
My father is the only board passer out of 5 siblings. He put two of his younger brothers through college, while he raised us. He started small but despite this, he would always send all the money he earned to his family.
Years later, my dad is now an executive for one of the top development corporations in the Philippines.
When I have kids of my own, I’ll be happy to point at landmark buildings around Cebu that my dad took part in building.
I hope his words would inspire you as much as it impacted me over the years. Here’s a list of my favorite pieces of advice from him and my personal take on them:
Lesson 1: “Set goals with your age.”
Papa: “When I was young I told myself, I wanted to be a manager in my 30s, I wanted to be an executive in my 40s. Aim high, so you don’t fall too far.” (Today, my dad is up for Regional Directorship for VisMin.)
Me: My dad has always taught me to envision where I wanted to be in life. Set goals, have an end game and always have a Plan B to Z. Setting goals with your age doesn’t have to go in line with societal pressures but a way for you to keep in track of where you want to be in a few years.
I’ve always hated the concept of “on time” when it comes to milestones in life like; “Graduate on time.”, “Get married at 25.”, “Get as house (insert unreasonable age with unreasonable real estate prices vis a vis average income of today’s millennial)“, “Get a car first.” “Retire in your 60s.”
Who are we to tell anyone where to be at life? Seriously, who the fuck are you?
You don’t have to be married at 25. You don’t have to have a house at 30. Graduating a bit later than everyone else does not discredit the success. Graduating is still a success. When you set goals with your age, silence everything else around you and be realistic with your pace. Your only competition in this world is yourself, you don’t have to follow what everyone else is doing or when everyone else is succeeding. We each have our own time frame, take it easy but don’t be mediocre.
Side note: On the topic of being “on time for meetings”. Please let’s change the concept of “Filipino time” to “being on time” and not always late. Being on time is a sign of respect for another person’s time. Being on time is a sign of character and discipline.
Lesson 2: “Never settle.”
Papa: “I told myself I did not want to be in the same position, so I worked hard. I want a better life for my family and my children” (My dad on rising out of poverty.)
Me: My dad has always taught me to dream big. Over the years what I thought was a “big dream” constantly changed. This was a result of all my years of travel, reading and realizing that if my dad succeeded despite his situation, how much more if he had the privileges I had. So when I’m feeling lazy and unproductive, I remind myself of how much my dad worked hard to give me a good life. I should not be so complacent because another person is out there to eat my lunch or simply because I had no right to be lazy, I am too privileged to be lazy.
If you think you can do more, then do more. Be more. Life is too short to settle for mediocrity.
Lesson 3: “Dili.” (“No”)
Papa: “Dili.” (“No”)
Me: One night I got into a fight with my dad because.. well… it was my first year in college in Cebu and as a very provincial girl, the party culture shocked me.
I am an extra-extrovert (this word does not exist but this is me, I love being around people). I texted him and basically told him; “You don’t understand because you’ve never been in my position.” He called, was silent for a few seconds and I swear, I could feel it from the other side of the phone how much that affected him. He told me I had no right to tell him that because he understands and we were raised differently but what I was doing was just not right for the things I wanted to achieve. 16 year-old me did not understand that and I remembered just hating him for it.
As you get older you realize why your parents never allowed you to do certain things. You realize soon that the prohibitions set upon you was mostly from a position of love and care. Today, I am grateful for all the times he said “Dili.” (“No”) because everytime he did, it taught me self-restraint and stopped me from doing one idiotic thing from another.
Lesson 4: On success.
Papa: “If you have a roof over you head, if you can eat 3 times a day without worrying about the next meal, you have no reason to fail.”
Me: I know this is a bit harsh. I know a lot of you will reason out that there are certain things in our generation that affect how we succeed because we were brought into the world differently, there are more distractions and personal relationships are much more complex. BUT think about it this way, sometimes, we forget that we have all the basic things we need. We have unlimited access to the internet, we are at a position where traveling is within grasp and a position where opportunities are endless. He didn’t have those. I can tell you now, none of our parents did.
I want you to stop and think for a bit. Think about what’s coming in between you and success because I can tell you now that it’s mostly you. It’s your ego, your laziness, your impatience, your hatred, your poor habits, your insecurity, it’s making so many excuses to skip that workout, so many excuses on why you haven’t written that book, that blog or that business idea, or why you haven’t asked for that raise or promotion when you know you deserve it….
Do yourself a favor today and stop making yourself the enemy.
Lesson 5: Reputation.
Papa: “Good girl kanunay nak, ha?” (“Be a good girl always.”)
Me: My mom would always tell me I’m a daddy’s girl. When I was little, I would cry whenever my dad left for work. One of my vague memories from childhood was kissing my dad over and over until he was slobbered before I would let him leave for work or the comfort of sleeping on his stomach. Majority of the photos we have at home are 80% me and my dad. If I had a first bestfriend out of all my friends today, it would be my dad. No brainer.
Up until today, you’d see him randomly combing my hair or hugging me but one thing always remains with me is the fact that he tells me all the time; “Good girl kanunay nak ha?”
Despite being a 24 year-old grown ass woman, I appreciate it when he does this. Empowered as I am today, those words resonate with me in everything that I do. By saying “Be a good girl” he didn’t mean be submissive or be a “Maria Clara”, it meant that in everything that I do, I had to be real and honest. Be the better person. Choose to be good.
Life teaches you that sometimes it’s not easy to be good, it’s not easy to be the better person but in all things, you choose how you react in every situation. There have been many instances in my life where I could have chosen to retaliate because it was easier than having to lower my pride.
When I’m placed in a situation where I have to choose between my anger and settling things amicably, I always find myself choosing the path of least conflict. This is because I always go back to what my dad tells me.
You realize that there are things in this world that are not worth exerting your time. Drama, is one of those things. You can fight by reacting negatively right away or you can step back, reassess and choose your battles (or sometimes, your battle strategy.
Doing what I do, it’s so easy to make money by doing the wrong thing but that foundation has lead to me always hold high regards for integrity, honesty and kindness.
I think the biggest takeaway I’ve had in life recently is learning from my parents and I don’t mean just the “how to’s” in life, I also mean the mistakes, the failures and the things I want my future kids to learn. It might be such a cliché to say this but the important things in life really take zero effort.
You might’ve been expecting a big conclusion to all this but the greatest takeaway I’ve had from my dad in the last 24 years of learning from him, is his unparalleled kindness, patience and humility. Your achievements are nothing if you cannot be a decent human being to other people.