Heartbreaks & Weight Loss

(Caveat: There are parts of this story where I’m “trying” to be funny.)

I can count with two sets of hands all the instances I’ve had flings but I can only count with half a hand the amount of time I’ve ever felt fully enamoured and fascinated by someone.

Up until now all my relationships, have either “almost happened” or “never happened”. My friends say I’m too picky and my standards are the death of me. The truth is, I either choose the perfect person but it never works because I fall in love with what I want the relationship to be, rather than the person I’m with or I just always get with the wrong the person.

Although something very significant always happens to me every time I break my own heart. I get better. The most painful heartbreak of my life up to date, lead me to getting the body that I wanted.

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I was always a fat kid growing up. I was always teased for my size and called “baboy” (pig) or “whale”. When I was younger, I used to look at people around me and pray that I grow up to be an “okay” size. I would tell myself that I was always going to be in love with food and it would be impossible for me to lose all this weight. Up until now, it is still unbelievable for me that I actually managed to lose weight and continue to maintain so.

When I was in college, I met a guy who I honestly thought was “the one”. The flaw in that narrative was that I was only 17 years old at the time and I was so sure this person was “the one”. Why is it flawed? Because that same line of thinking comes from centuries of female gender pre-conditioning and societal structures that mating or marriage is an achievement. It’s not. If you’re a teenager reading this or if you still believe in that narrative, please, allow me to tell you that there is more to life than finding your significant other. Find yourself before you give yourselves to other people. If you are a woman reading this, fuck the biological clock because these days we can already freeze our eggs and have kids when we want to. (You’re welcome!)

Anyways, “the one” had many qualities I connected with. He had the same dorky sense of humour I had and for some reason he laughed at my lame jokes, he could drink as much as I did (which amazed me because man, I could drink more than your dad could at that age), he understood the hustle I was trying to do, he was tall and muscular, he was kind, the sex was pretty decent and most importantly, he never judged me for my size. He even made me feel like I didn’t have to be insecure about that. We always had this connection, where we could talk all night about the most random things. As I’m writing this, I’m internally laughing at the sheer stupidity of young love, I also thought he was “the one” because…. he had the same name as my dad. I mean, what are the odds right? His mom also had the same name as my niece. Again, wHaT aRe tHe OdDs? (And no, I never found it weird that I would have to moan out a parental figure’s name in bed. Actually…. now I do. Watch out for the cliché signs, most of the time they’re just clichés and you’re not actually in love.) Also, we talked everyday, from daylight to sundown, to the wee hours of the night.

We just talked…. and I am a sucker for good conversations.

The thing about “the one” was that he had no focus. He was failing his classes, so I tutored him. He passed most of them after we met. Honestly, I made stupid decisions here because I was paying attention to his studies rather than mine. There is no one to blame for that other than me. We all have choices. I just chose to pay attention to him. So there is no way that I could blame him. The same way you cannot blame a lover, whether past or present with whatever happens to you because YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. Whether it’s how you want to be treated or what you allow yourself to be involved with. Stop playing the victim and realize that you always have a hand in the situations you end up with.

As Harvey Specter would say:

“What are your choices when someone puts a gun to your head?
What are you talking about? You do what they say or they shoot you.
WRONG. You take the gun, or you pull out a bigger one. Or, you call their bluff. Or, you do any one of a hundred and forty six other things.”

– Harvey Specter, Suits

Love, as much as most things in life, are made of choices.

Our weeks were either filled with study outs or drinking sessions with his friends or mine, that went on for months until….

I found out he had a girlfriend.

Now, let me tell you this. Yes, I did stalk the girlfriend for a bit and that really threw a wrench at my ego. What girl wouldn’t? She was hot, she already finished college and was working while there I was trying to finish my degree and on top of that I had failed a class because I was too busy with “the one”.

You cannot imagine how devastated I was that I only had vague memories of that day I found out. The only thing I remember was sitting in a hidden karaoke bar near school at 3:00pm, a friend puking all over the place and two empty bottles of tequila. Next thing I know, I was being dragged by a friend into a taxi. I remember just laying there sobbing and being cradled.

Big lesson: It doesn’t matter how much you invest on the other person, no matter how much you love them or force things, if the flow is not the same, it’s not going to happen. I think one of my favourite humans, Cheryl Strayed explains it better:

“You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.”

― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

The next day, I found myself just unable to move. I was both mad at myself for thinking that there was more to what we had that study outs and drinking sessions. I also realized that I was more mad at myself for doing nothing about it and laying there like a loser. If there is one thing you must know about me, it’s that I hate feeling powerless and helpless.

Another thing you must know about “the one” was he was an avid gym-goer. The man was stupidly sexy for someone who drank beer most days. So you know what I did next?

I GOT A GYM MEMBERSHIP.

I said to myself, I deserved better and that I was going to do everything in my power to be better than who I was today. I wasn’t going to allow myself to be consumed by insecurity. I WAS NOT GOING TO BE PATHETIC.

I know this is a common hype a lot of people tell themselves after heartbreaks but they get tired later on and just don’t pursue what they set themselves out to do. The difference here was I realized I had a very powerful emotion and I needed a positive outlet for all that emotion. I was physically fine and it did not sit well with me to wallow and lay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. That’s not who I am. That’s not how you should be.

The gym was a place that made me angry because it did nothing but remind of how stupid I was but I still went. It was like reverse-psychology but I was doing it to myself. I spent my allowance on that membership and went. That constant reminder of failure and allowing myself to be placed in a position of self-inflicted failure made me work hard.

I’ve never been to the gym my whole life but I researched and studied because I could not afford a trainer then. Speaking of, I had another problem. I could not afford paying for a gym membership for long. I could not afford putting all my allowance on a membership, I could, but I would starve. My dad was not a fan of the fees but I was determined. I had all the free time and I wasn’t going to spend it thinking about what had happened. I went and looked for a job. Fast forward, I got hired as a part-time ESL teacher. (Never underestimate the power of repeated subject-verb agreement lessons in grade school to college. That was how I landed my first job at 18.)

So I went to school on weekdays, my classes ended at 7:30pm and I would rush after school to make it to the gym by 8:00pm because it closed at 10:00pm. I would go to work on the weekends and went to the gym at night after work. Did I also mention I was an officer at school during this time? Yes, on weekdays I would also be attending after-class meetings with the school organizations I belonged to.

This went on for 2 months and I was not seeing any results from all that time spent in the gym. I was feeling frustrated and on top of that I would hear rumours from “supposed friends” who would mock me and say “Oh! Isn’t she going to gym? I really see no difference.”. “She’s still fat.” I wanted to give these people a piece of my mind but I understood that everything is a process.

I kept going or as I like to say it “I kept swimming.” (It should be obvious that I love Finding Nemo and this always stayed with me. Ironic, because I really don’t know how to swim. Haha. )

4 months went by and I just kept swimming. The gym did not bother me so much anymore. There were days where I found myself crying because I was tired. I was tired because I was running away from what really bothered me. I was tired because I was overcompensating with school, work, the gym and pretending like everything was fine but I did it.

I lost 15kgs. I went from 68kgs to 53kgs in 4 months.

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If you’ve stayed on reading up to this point, you would realize by now that everything I did was a choice. If you understand that loving another person is hard work, I’m sorry to tell you but loving yourself is also hard work. I realize that if I can like another person so much I was willing to jeopardize my future, then why can’t I love myself enough to be the best version of myself?

I could have chosen to lay in bed all day until the pain disappeared. I could have chosen to quit when I couldn’t afford the gym anymore. I could have chosen to quit when all the rumours and gossips crept and gave me depression. I could have chosen to be a normal student and not stress myself with work but I chose to do what was best for me no matter how hard that choice was.

5 years later, I’ve managed to maintain the shape that I left off because everyday I choose myself. I remind myself that being unhealthy and inactive is my doing and no amount of self-pity is going to get me what I deserve. No amount of “I’ll do it tomorrow.” promises is going to change the situation I have right now. At the end of the day, you are accountable to yourself. So, do not bullshit yourself into believing that things will “eventually happen” because they won’t, unless you start to do something about it.

You can choose to skip a workout because you don’t feel like it or you can make excuses because you’re busy OR:

1. You can also choose to STILL DO that workout even if you don’t feel like it.
2. You can also schedule your workout ahead or a bit later when you know you’re going to be busy.

YOU call the shots. YOU make that choice. Everyday, you decide the life you want to have. Heartbreaks and sadness; all these negative emotions are so powerful they can move mountains and make you do things you never thought you could. The goal is finding the right outlet to do that. Mine was the gym, yours could be something else and you need to find that.

You just need to start, continue and make no pathetic excuses. When it gets hard, you don’t stop, you continue until you get what you want. If there is one important lesson I learned from “the one”, aside from “Fuck it. Just do it.”, it would be:

“It only takes a day of skipping a workout to get out of shape.”

The One (but not anymore)

So fuck it, just do it and love yourself enough to do it for YOU.

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